VI. Dredging Up Old Wounds
Landfall was a welcome relief, if only for a brief period. Despite affording my company two days of rest upon landing, morale was atrocious. The deaths we had on the sea hit everyone hard, and this resulted in a division amongst those from the Holy Roman Empire and those from Rome. I occupied the entirety of the first day after disembarking putting out small fires. Yet no matter how hard I tried more issues continued to crop up. I could not act quick enough to ensure happiness and peace amongst my camp.
Even Noll, who I had come to rely on as an expert intercessor, could not find the right way to diffuse the situation. This led to the inevitable the morning after our landing when both the Germans and the Italians went their separate ways. This left me with a paltry two dozen. We were a far cry from the stuff of legends, but those who remained doubled down on their loyalty.
I tended to Boomer after the schism decimated my forces. It was all I could do to not break down. Everything I wanted and had planned was beginning to crumble before my eyes, due to forces out of my control. I remained determined to make it to the Holy Land, no matter the cost. Yet as I ran a hand through Boomer’s fur, I wondered if I was making a mistake. Perhaps I was pushing those around me too hard, all for the sake of something they had no responsibility for, being the whims of an old soldier. Boomer shook his head, causing his mane to whip against my forearm and face.
“Here we are, half a world away from home. We like to pretend as though we know what we are doing, don’t we? We like to think age is but a number, and how we won’t slow down, even when the end is nigh. But truth told, I think we’re both scared. We have no concept of what is to come, and even if we did, how can we face a coming end?
“Every day, I think of all we left behind. My family is young and ill-suited to the happenings of the world. I wonder what consequences would come my way had I denied the King’s request. It’s a haunting thought. Listen to me, talking to a horse as though he could understand me. As though he were a brother. A confidante. I often wonder what it is you think. What dreams you have, the aspirations. Most of all, if we have done the right thing. I would give anything to go back and save Randel and Addy. They should never have come.”
A choking in my throat forced me to stop speaking. Boomer nudged my chest, a shallow grunt emanating from deep inside his massive frame. I scratched along his scarred and greying nose. A gentle, cool breeze swept through the ramshackle stable. A few wisps of hay blew across the ground, out of Boomer’s reach. I knelt to pick them up, only to meet the hand of another. I locked eyes with a weary, worn-down Hann.
We stood in unison and Hann held the hay in his hand out to Boomer. My steed began to munch from his fingers, a thick tongue hungry and greedy, left strings of saliva dripping from Hann’s hand. It was the first time I saw a smile crack Hann’s stony façade since Germany, even if for a moment. A deep breath entered Hann’s chest, which caused his emaciated form to bulge with muscle. His brown robes, torn and dirty, did little to hide how little was left of his frame.
“The past is the past, Milord. Every man here, by hook or by crook, has come of his own accord. Some of us, such and myself and your good self, Milord, we are here guided by the will of God. Every step we take brings us further to our destination in the east, but also farther from home. I do hope this unplanned detour does not make changes for your plans, Milord,” Hann said.
Boomer chuffed, content with the snack offered. His chestnut eyes gazed with a loving softness. With an absent mind, I scratched his mane. The callouses on my hands tugged a few of his scraggled furs loose. Hann, despite being a couple of months into our journey, still was not used to the behaviour of horses, or even how to be comfortable riding one. He tolerated the journey for the sake of not slowing us down, but even now, I could sense the trepidation in the way he held his hand out for Boomer.
“No. In fact, I find it rather beneficial for us to have detoured this way. Constantinople lies before us, and it is there we can resupply before our final push. Tell me, how does it feel to have come all this way? Does your faith grow with each step we take to the Holy Land?” I asked.
“This is a question with both positive and negative answers. The reasoning is faith comes in many varieties. There is the so-called ‘true faith,’ which many of my peers use as an excuse to vilify and persecute those they deem as lesser. Total hogwash and a doctrine I will remain steadfast with in my resolve to never follow.
“We have ‘faith in the Lord,’ which I believe all men, irrespective of their culture or religious learnings, should possess. You, Milord, are a prime example of one who holds faith, despite being one who holds no strong feelings toward the Lord, you still follow His teachings and abide by His direction. Thus, this confirms in my mind, you believe there is a higher power guiding us. I cannot pretend to understand what you see, but your faith is yours and yours alone.
“And then we come to ‘faith in self.’ Men, by their very nature, are fickle. We are vain and we see fault in all which others do, but every man, ourselves included, will never lay blame on our own bodies and souls. We seek to make sense of the world through the suffering of others, and this is the cause of strife in this world. It is the fault our Lord bestowed upon us since the dawn of all.
“Therefore, my faith will expand and wane with each passing day. And, as such, it feels as though nothing will ever come to end. I follow the will of the Lord on this Crusade, but I know how all will end. When do you intend on revealing to the others the details of your plan, Milord?” Hann said.
Boomer whinnied and turned away from us, turning his focus to a butterfly fluttering about his pen. I lowered my head and rested my hands on my hips. I knew this confrontation and line of questioning was bound to pop up at some stage. My first thought was how Hann had come to know of my end goal. Perhaps it was the will of God, or perhaps he was bluffing to extract the truth from me.
“The question is not when I will reveal what I have, but rather what I will reveal,” I started.
“Cut the bullshit, Milord. We are both intelligent men. Speak plain. This is all I ask,” Hann growled.
“You know as well as I this is a one-way trip for me. I do not intend to return. Come Constantinople, I will break this to the others. They need not follow me further. My goal in the Holy Land is one almost four decades in the making. The young men, they are the ones who must return home. They must continue their legacies. I have no more to give. In Constantinople, I will tell everyone my intention is to stand outside Jerusalem and sacrifice myself before the Lord, so I may wash away the sins of those long held in my memory,” I said.
“To speak of sin is to speak of devils. Every night,” Hann paused to pull a worn bible from deep inside his robe. “Every night I revitalise my knowledge and my determination as I paw through the scriptures. In my life, in all my years of servitude, I have gone through this tome countless times, and still find it fascinating how much I still pick up. It is these days I am reminded there is still so much to understand and learn regarding all which is Holy. I come to realise, in this past week, to speak of devils is to pay homage to the Lord. For without His foresight to create such fiends, we would find ourselves reckless in our machinations. It is through the creation of these devils which we can find accountability in our actions.
“There are many riddles in this world, Milord, and many of them come with no answers. The truest enigma I have come across is your selfishness. I do not mean this in a bad way, but rather understanding the fact you shelter those around you by carrying all burdens on your shoulders. Your selflessness comes from a selfish place, and this is something I admire. If all men carried and comported themselves in the manner you did, the world would indeed be a better place,” Hann said.
Not knowing what to say, I lowered my head, staring at the pockmarked ground. The mismatched colours of the sand and dirt amalgamated into a striking pattern, almost akin to a crude version of the known map of the world. Most striking was the way the sunlight illuminated the eastern section of the discoloured dirt, with the brightest patch being what looked to be Jerusalem. Hann saw where I was looking, and he stepped in beside me so we could see the imagery in tandem. A tear rolled down his cheek, leaving a clean streak down his face.
“Magnificent, isn’t it?” were the only words I could muster.
“Miracles and signs manifest themselves in mysterious ways, Milord. I may not be a man who can decipher what the Lord says, but I am one who takes truth in His gospel. I make this promise unto you, Milord, under the watching and judging eyes of God, no matter what may occur, I will see this quest through to completion, even if said end involves meeting my maker. God has granted us with the boon of having one life, and it is up to each man to decide what he does with the time given to him.
“Weep not for the souls we have lost but hold them firm in your heart. Losing my son was a brutal blow, yet I understand his sacrifice was nothing more than the will of the Lord and a sign of things to come. Before long, we will lose all which we treasure. The mountains, glorious and tall, will all crash back into the sea. The forests will wither and die, burning in an inferno unmatched by any seen before. Waves will break the coastlines and all we love and hold dear will fade from existence. Of course, the Lord plans for us to no longer be around when His wrath eliminates every remnant of this Earth from existence. I look forward to knowing we have achieved transcendence when all else fails,” Hann said.
I considered Hann’s words with a soft nod. In a sense, I felt he was right in his assessment of what is to come. On the other hand, I found myself doubting his words. Was he carrying truth in his words, or was Hann trying to stir up emotions long buried within me? In any case, I was determined in my cause, though knowing Hann, I knew he would seek some form of response. I took a deep breath and looked down at Hann.
“How do you know this is what will happen?”
“Because, Milord,” Hann said, taking several steps toward the door. “Because I have seen this end.”
Hann’s words sat in the back of my mind wearing and niggling at my psyche even after we departed our landing site refreshed and renewed. The weather, warm as it became, took a turn for the worse when, three days out from Constantinople, the heavens themselves opened with an intensity I had not seen since leaving England. Not even the storm on the Aegean could compare. The grasses and dirt on either side of the road started to turn to mush and formed an acrid smelling marshland. Hann decided he wanted to lead the group on this leg of the journey, citing his divine connection as reason enough to take point. Given the heavy rain, it was the best call to make, and Hann ensured we made no missteps.
Noll walked with me, along with Elric, Wyot, Herry, and another man, short and stout named Nicol. In a short period, these four developed quite a significant bond and under Noll’s guidance, they were far and above the best fighters we had. Nicol, despite only standing at the shoulder height of the next shortest member of the group in Noll, proved to be the loudest of the bunch. Even in the face of such adverse weather, it was a relief to have a smile brought to my face. It felt an age since I could relax and let loose. The last time I recalled feeling good about myself was before I left my estate in England. I wondered how the final years of my life may have turned out had I chosen to decline the King’s request. I felt vindicated in having made the right choice when laughter crept across my wizened and wrinkled face.
“You know what I’m saying, don’t you? I know you get it, Milord. Surely in your life you made some decisions you look back on now and go ‘maybe I made a mistake. Maybe I grabbed the wrong tit or the wrong arse.’ Speaking of, Milord, what do you prefer?” Nicol said in his deep, boisterous voice.
“Oh, I couldn’t say. Such an answer is between me and the Lord. And besides, I am a loyal and faithful husband. I couldn’t go after another woman. It isn’t in my nature,” I said.
“What a crock of shite, Milord. What can the Lord hear in this weather? I can scarce hear my own breathing, the bitch is coming down so hard,” Noll said. “Surely there’s other women you pine over, being a lord of your stature and all.”
An almost imperceptible tingle niggled at the back of my mind. An impending sense of doom warning me against something looming upon us. I tried to push this signal away and focus on the conversation around me, but the sensation was impossible to shake. I placed my hand on my sword and focused on drowning out the rain.
“Eyes sharp and ears at the ready,” I whispered.
I saw Noll give a curt nod, and he moved his hand to the hilt of his own weapon. A surreptitious nod down the line sees everyone pull rank and begin marching, ready to attack without delay. Not a soul among us could be heard breathing. Not even the strange chill in the air caused our breath to fog.
The next moments were perhaps the tensest of my entire life. My heart thumped in my chest and the rush of blood through my ears turned my vision a deep crimson. My shoulders rose and fell with each heaving breath. My eyes scouted along the edges of the road and the trees, and beyond into the fog. A glimpse of movement caught my eye. A man dressed in a patchwork of black and gold leaped from the darkness. In an instant, a dozen swords angled in his direction.
From all around us, several other figures emerged and surrounded my small ground. A horse clip-clopped on the stone and appeared behind the first man. A tall, older man with a thinning grey beard gazed out at us from under his tall, tarnished helmet with a long red plume. His eyes narrowed, but I saw a smirk cross his face when he saw the cross adorning my armour. He opened the coat covering his armour, and a similar, but different coloured cross was across his breast.
“Holy Roman Empire, Milord,” Noll whispered.
I lowered my sword, though the hairs on the back of my neck remained standing. My eyes locked onto the soldier on the horse, and I slid my way to the front of my small contingent. A faint rumble filled the air, which I recognised as the marching of soldiers. They appeared to be heading in the opposite direction.
“Barbarossa’s men?” I asked.
The man with the plume whistled and beckoned another person forward. I grew wary when the emaciated and filthy man stepped to the front. His ribs strained against his skin, and someone had used a great deal of force to cut his hair. He stood shaking until the man on the horse gave him a rough shove. I stared at the starving man as he hit the ground. Laughter erupted from everyone not known to me.
The man on the horse began speaking Germanic, but I couldn’t understand him due to the speed at which he spoke and his thick accent. The shaking man stood up as quick as he could and began to translate his words, albeit his words came out in a fractured manner.
“The envoy of Barbarossa demand you answer who you are and why you wear mark of God. Here in place none should be. State purpose and perhaps live.”
I went to step forward, but Hann clapped his hand against my front. A renewed fire and rage consumed his eyes, and I heard his neck crack as he dismounted his horse. His wooden cross which dangled from his pocket slapped against the back of his leg and his torn robes swayed with each step. Hann made sure his eyes never left the plumed soldier on the horse.
“You, translate,” Hann said, pointing to the emaciated man. “We are servants of the Lord God. You carry the same sigils we do, though in different colours. Any man worth carrying His symbol should recognise the value of another. Yet, here before me, I see cowards. Men who prey on the weak and abandon their goal! You turn away from the glory of His quest, and you treat your fellow man as though he is worth nothing.
“I look around and I see scared men. The Lord is a powerful and indefatigable force. Our goal lies to the East, at the feet of the gateway to Asia,” Hann paused and glanced at those in our small contingent. They showed determination and solidarity. “Constantinople is where we head, and all those who stand in our path will face the wrath of the Lord. Turn your backs and away! Go with your King and leave this land to those who are most Holy.”
The leader of the Germanic cohort gave a mocking laugh as Hann finished his dressing down of them. I tightened the grip on my sword and narrowed my eyes. Despite being covered by my thick, heavy gauntlets, there was no doubt I was white knuckled. Perhaps this was the deciding factor, seeing as how the nearest soldiers all took a step backward. The emaciated man looked at his de facto master with worried eyes. A gentle breeze blew through his tall plume. If one were to listen close, they would be able to hear the smallest of insects chirping.
Even Hann, notable for his ability to see the best in others, shrank back and rested a hand on his own weapon. It was difficult to focus on anything but the foreigners facing my small group of men. Everyone was ready to lay their lives down, but for what purpose? A snarl came across the face of the leader of the Germans, and he relinquished the grip on his sword, before spitting on the ground. He yelled something in German and his men began to disperse back into their formation. He angled his gaze toward me. He said nothing, but I knew he was sizing me up and taking in my appearance. He grumbled something short and sharp, and the emaciated man started to trudge behind his horse.
“He does not leave with you,” I said.
I heard a low growl and a grumble come from the German man, but he opted not to lash out. The hooves of his horse faded as he rode away out of sight. Hann was the first man to step forward, and he gave the shirt off his back to the emaciated man. A true man of the Lord. Noll moved in next to me, his breathing hot and heaving.
“You know I don’t doubt, Milord, but were it wise to take their slave?” Noll asked.
My eyes lay on the dust plume receding into the distance. A cold, gentle breeze blew through my beard and my hair. The sun warmed my cheeks and I let a breath go I did not know I was holding. I clapped a hand on Noll’s shoulder.
“All men are born equal in this world, Noll. I should not wish for any man to suffer longer than needed. Give this man food and clothes. We will take him to Constantinople. Where he goes from there, it is his decision to make,” I said.
We spent the rest of the day trudging our way further east. The whispers of the forest and echoes of the sea reverberated on both sides. I remained on high alert, in case any further would-be adversaries might cross our path. No one appeared ahead of us or at our periphery, though I did not ease up until we flung our packs down and started a roaring fire on top of a small hillock. Elric and Wyot set about arguing over how to best organise the tents to give everyone the best possible sleep. Noll grumbled under his breath a few times when anyone mentioned how awful his snoring was. I smirked and unloaded my heavy accoutrements from Boomer’s saddle. Hann tended to the fire and food.
“Milord?” a timid voice said behind me.
I looked back and nodded to the emaciated man. The colour was returning to his cheeks, and he no longer quaked with fear.
“Get some rest. You’ve earned it,” I said.
“I appreciate it, Milord. I want to do something to thank you,” he said.
“Get some food, have a rest. This is what I ask of you,” I said.
“No man carries such goodness in his heart. There must be some way to pay you back. I do not have much in the way of coin, but perhaps I can fight for you,” the man said.
“Coin serves me no purpose, and I ask no man to fight for me. If you wish to give me something, give me a name. Your name,” I said.
I lifted the saddle from Boomer with a grunt. My horse chuffed and shook his head in approval. I smiled and ran my fingers through the short fur on his back. I was dismayed to feel bone underneath a thin layer of skin and muscle. A consequence of how lean we were eating since departing Italy.
“Achaemenes of Larissa. But sir, a name is not repayment for the debt I owe you. Please, let me do something for you,” Achaemenes said.
I sighed and placed Boomer’s saddle on the ground by my pack. A stiffness ran up my back and side. I groaned as I straightened and used my hands to push my lower back forward. A loud popping sound cried out and relief flooded my veins. I canted my head to the fire and walked with Achaemenes to a large log. We sat down and I looked at Hann as he danced about the fire, various foodstuffs in either hand. I cleared my throat and the various parts of chatter died down. I looked at every man remaining in the eye before I spoke.
“We are on the doorstep of Constantinople. I hear the whispers and murmurs. I respect everyone here. Without a second thought, here we are, half a world away from our homes. You men represent the best of us all, and I would fight by the side of every man here until the very end.
“In two days, we will reach the gateway of the East. I can ask no man here to go further, and I expect none of you to come with me into the heart of the Holy Land. Your Crusade ends in Constantinople,” I said.
A sombre silence fell over the camp. The crackle of the fire was the one sound to break the monotony. I looked around at the stony faces, each contemplating what they might say. Elric was the first man to stand, and all eyes turned to him. He pointed the tip of his sword at me through the fire.
“Where you go, I go, Milord. My sword will sing beside yours in the Holy Land,” Elric said.
One by one, the others stood up, their eyes locked on mine. Achaemenes, even weak as he was, pushed himself up beside me. Every face before me was more determined than I had ever seen. Hann was the last to step forward. As he did, the fire flickered bright and cast long shadows in the dirt. I looked at Noll, who gave a small nod.
“I suppose everyone here knows there is no turning back once we enter the Holy Land. May the Lord bless us with His strength, and may He bring us victory,’ I said.
A part of me died inside knowing I was going to lead such young men to their death. But a part of me was also glad they chose to come on this path with me. Even if the end was a foregone conclusion, I had found purpose. And thus, I looked to the East.
The road turned from dirt to gravel to stone in gradual fashion over the next two days. To the north and south were vast bodies of water draped in the cerulean hue of the sky. The smell and sounds of the city started many hours before we saw the famed walls of Constantinople peek over the horizon. Merchants and hawkers peddled their wares to our left and right. Beggars sat on mud-stained rugs, grimy and dirty from a life on the streets. Streets urchins jeered and leered at us as we passed by. The sight of my armour was as a beacon in the dark. Guards watched from high towers, white-knuckled around the spears and weapons they wielded.
The people on the street flung words at us in foreign languages and spat in our direction. Agitation grew and without a word, my men and I pulled into a tight formation. We scanned the people near and far, and we continued making our way toward the Spring Gate. It was here we planned to enter the city, if we were allowed. I surmised, with the advice of Hann and Noll, we were far less of a threat than Barbarossa and his men were, but the presence of the Holy Cross was enough to cause such trepidation.
The sun was low in the sky at our back by the time we came within arrow distance of the famed Theodosian Walls, whose sheer size dwarfed even me. A quartet of guards stood at the gateway. The captain, denoted by the plume on his helmet, signalled for us to stop and for those of us on horses to dismount. I kept a hand on my sword as I stepped in front of everyone else.
“State your business,” the guard said in fractured and uneven Latin.
“We seek safe passage to the East. A storm waylaid us, and we are now in dire need of supplies. We are but humble pilgrims from various Western cities, united in our goal to lay eyes on the Holy Land,” I said.
“You will find no passage here. Not a week ago, your people surrounded this great city and threatened to lay siege to us. You bear the same insignia as they. You have no place here. Go back the way you came from,” the guard said.
I saw several other armoured soldiers emerge from the gateway. Behind us, a flock of vagabonds stood up. Noll and five others turned around, and we formed a circle, keeping an eye on our flanks. Everyone rested hands on their weapons and Hann uttered a short prayer. His voice was softer than I could hear, even with him beside me.
“Stand your men down!” a voice cut through the air behind the guard contingent of Constantinople. I smiled.
Feet scurried behind me, and a quick glance confirmed the vagabonds and urchins retreated to their various lean-tos and stations. The guard captain seemed to sigh, and he turned around. A man clad in a purple tunic walked with haste from inside the city. I stepped forward and threw my arms around our saviour.
“It’s been too long, my friend,” the middle eastern man said. His beard bristled with each word he said.
“And still, you manage to arrive at the perfect time. It seems nothing can slow you down,” I said.
“My friend, I have been watching for many days, anticipating your arrival. Come, come, we have much to discuss. Introductions come later, after tea,” the man said, guiding me forward with the hand he placed on my back.
With wary eyes, Hann and Noll followed behind as we made our way under the gateway. A shiver ran up my spine. It was forty years since I bade Constantinople farewell. Even though I was naïve back then, I still held a great fondness for the architectural marvel ensuring Constantinople’s security. I held no grudge against the guards, as I would do the same in their position. The guard captain seemed the most unhappy. I heard him curse and kick something metallic as I walked past.
The walk through the Grand Bazaar was like going back in time. An eccentric and eclectic mixture of merchants engaged in raucous contests of seeing who could be loudest. No one harboured hatred or anger against any other, and it was a brilliant game to experience. The vibrant colours of the sunshades draped across every corner and criss-crossing painted a vivid rainbow. It was difficult to determine where to focus. Everything drew your gaze to it.
“It’s better than I remember,” I mumbled.
“You have good memory, my friend. I know many of these men through their father. Your men can explore if they so choose. There are good hashish dens littered all around. The finest in the whole world,” our guide said.
“Speaking of, forgive my impoliteness. Hann, Noll, everyone. May I introduce Halim. We met during my last Crusade, and we write several letters each year. I regret not having the chance to visit until now. Can you forgive me for such transgressions?” I asked.
“My friend, I follow the teachings of the Prophet, much as you follow the doctrines of your Lord Almighty. Allah would look upon me with disdain if I were to hold onto such a trivial grudge. Come, we have much to discuss. In here. Please, leave your shoes inside the door. All of you are friends and brothers in this moment. We must eat!” Halim said.
Halim stopped outside a small white building with nothing more than a curtain draped across the doorway. With a gracious nod, I ducked inside. The small entry room forced me to remain hunched over, but I managed to remove my sabatons and they clunked against the wall. Halim offered a hearty welcome to everyone as we filed into the central hall. A small fire crackled. I was the first to demonstrate how to sit as I kneeled on my heels. Halim entered a few moments after Noll filed past me.
“It may be a little small, but it feels like home,” Noll said.
“This is because you are home, my friend. What is mine is for you, and you will find safety here. I see everyone came with. I suppose no one wants to sample the Bazaar? It is a once in a lifetime experience. No matter, for we must discuss some important business, yes?” Halim asked as he sat opposite me.
“I cannot pretend to disguise why we have come all this way. We need to keep moving east,” I said.
“I know what is happening to the east. Like you, I found myself approached by the Sultanate. Stories of people like us, they carry through history, my friend. I was polite and wise enough to turn them down. I run a business, and my family is most important to me. It was a few months later when word reached this city about the conquest of Jerusalem. I took in a dozen Franks when they returned through Constantinople. A handful. I cannot fathom how many perished, and these acts carried out in the name of Allah. A blasphemy on His name,” Halim said.
A pair of women entered the room from a side area, carrying large trays of tea and a small selection of eastern breads. I kept my eyes on Halim and watched his entire body tremble. He was a far different man from when I had met him all those years ago. Rather than the man of violence and anger he was, he now portrayed himself as a man of peace and prosperity. On the few occasions he made the journey to England, he took time out of his day to help the poor and sick. I cleared my throat and poured a small cup of tea after Halim filled his cup and offered the pot to me.
“May the Lord bless us and afford us safety. May He look upon us with kindness and warm our hearts. We give to him free and willing, so He may take us into his care,” I said.
“We drink, and we feast. Let us continue in private after, my friend,” Halim said.
This offer was, of course, welcomed by the starving and tired members of my cohort. Engorged platters of food came out in droves and filled the small property with lingering scents of exotic herbs and spices. Noll was the first to dig into the food. We all laughed when his stomach erupted in loud rumbles. Halim was intrigued about our journey, and so, with the help of Hann, I regaled him with tales of our exploits. I spoke at length about the day the King came to my humble castle and how, with such a personal touch, I could not turn down the opportunity to head back to the Holy Land.
“Though I made it clear I would make my way to Jerusalem by my own path. The King saw no reason to stop me or dissuade me. Everyone you see here, excepting Achaemenes, were part of my handpicked contingent,” I said. Murmurs spread through the group, as this was a fact I did not disclose until now. “I trust my life to all these men, and in return, I give them all my years of wisdom and experience.”
I continued to tell the wild tale of our trek through the French countryside. I spoke of the nights we revelled with countless bottles of the finest wine. The attack of the vagabonds in Germany caused the mood to drop. Hann proceeded to speak length about Randel, and how he wished he could have done things different, but in the end was proud of his son. Halim sat in rapt attention when it came to our crossing of the Adriatic and Aegean seas. The food ran low, and this gave an excuse for the others to retire for the night. One by one, they filed out, escorted by the two women who served the food and tea. Hann was the last one left by the time I came to the encounter with Barbarossa’s men not far out of Constantinople.
“They are wicked men, my friend. It speaks well of your character you did not need to end their lives,” Halim said.
“The Lord protected us from harm. I do not think we would be here otherwise,” Hann said.
Halim nodded. “Allah works in mysterious ways. True or not, this I cannot say. You are in good hands, Father Hann. I have not encountered a man so tough in all my years. I wish you could see him in his prime. A beast of man. Tall and strong, with a roaring voice. You know, I once saw him cut off the head of a man’s horse for no reason other than the man wronged a woman. A single slice. You remember?”
“Not my finest moment,” I said.
“We all regret some things in life. I regret not having children of my own. But everyone on the street is one I treat as my child. Do they know?” Halim asked.
I shook my head and turned my gaze to the ground. Hann moved as if to get up to leave, but Halim gave him a signal to remain seated. This was the moment I had come to dread most of all. I loosened the straps on my vambraces and slid them off my forearms. I rubbed the sweat away and took in the deepest, longest breath of my life. Every many wishes he could hide secrets and push old wounds to the furthest reaches of his mind. I returned my gaze back to Halim and swallowed a large wad of spit and began to speak.
“I pray He forgives me for being untruthful, though the Lord already knows of my sins. I came to this land forty years ago as little more than a street rat. We have all done bad things to survive, I know, but there is too much blood on my hands. It was under the shadows of Jerusalem, in a dark corner hidden from the world, where we were ambushed. A contingent of twenty soldiers, led by a great man. Wybert was the man who trained me, but Sir Guarin is who saw fit to uplift me.
“A hundred different men surrounded us. Knives in the dark. Like an evil flood, they swept through our ranks. I never heard grown men scream so loud, but we fought with all we had. I can’t recall how many I cut down. All I know is their blood covered me by the end of it. And the result is what haunts me. It was not grown men who attacked us, no. Every single assailant I cut down was little more than a child. A lad of no more than twelve lay at my feet. His throat was cut, and blood spurted from deep within. He looked at me with pleading and begging eyes. Sir Guarin survived the attack, and he witnessed me end the suffering of the young boy. Guarin’s last act was to bestow a knighthood upon me. A knighthood never meant for me. If I had my way, I would have not lived to see inside Jerusalem.
“And thus, we come to the reason I return to the Holy Land. Redemption. What Guarin set in motion forty years ago pervades my thoughts every night. I dream of the bloodied faces of children and the bloodlust which consumed me. I knew many good men who died in the Holy Land. I consider it my ultimate honour to sacrifice myself in those lands. To feel the rush of battle and the vigour of youth again. But I yearn to give this life back above all else,’ I said.
“Milord?” Hann said.
“A title which is not mine. This life I lead is one I stole. It was hard learning English on the road, but I had to do it. I spent the first seventeen years of life on the streets of Paris, stealing to survive. When opportunity knocked in the form of a waylaid youth destined to become Guarin’s squire. I took it. You see, Father Hann, my entire existence comes from a lie. I am lord to no man,” I said.
Hann leaned back and stroked his beard with keen intent. Halim glanced over to Hann, watching every motion with interest. Hann’s eyes moved up and down my frame, and a sly smile curled the corners of his mouth.
“In the eyes of the Lord, each life holds equal worth. You took an oath to serve Him as a Holy soldier, did you not?” Hann asked.
I nodded. “I did.”
“And in so taking His oath, you wear the weight of His guidance on your shoulders. You wield His mightiness in your right hand and in your left, you hold His judgement. Purpose comes not from how we are born, nor to whom, but purpose arises from our deeds in life. I told you of when those false soldiers came into my parish after the young boy. They pretended to be the bearers of your judgement. They pretended, against all creeds, to carry out the will of the Lord. They died for their sins.
“But you, Milord, bear no burden of sin. Purity is not something gifted to man, but something earned. I knew a man so holy, so righteous, he carried an aura of authority with him. Everywhere he went, people acquiesced to his word as if it were the gospel of God. Yet for all his saintliness and goodliness, he lacked the purity he so sought. God withheld this greatest of gifts from a man so righteous he refused so much as to look upon a woman for fear of creating a most grievous sin.
“I consider myself to be impure. In fact, I know of two people on this good Earth who carry the purity of God in the very fibre of their being, Milord. One speaks on behalf of the Lord. His Most Holy Father, back in Rome. The other is a man, a servant of the Lord, who carries himself with such majesty it seems almost a travesty to think of him as less than noble. In fact, he could come to call himself King, if he so chose. But he opts to remain humble.
“I spent many long years speaking with the paissaunts serving under your rule, Milord. I cannot recall a single word of harm or ill toward you. In fact, when rumour spread of an uprising to depose of you, those responsible came to considerable harm. All without your knowledge. This, Milord, is proof of your nobility and your character. You carry the same purity as the Most Holy Father, though you earned it in quite a different manner. The Lord blessed you with this gift. You took nothing all those years ago. Why is it you feel you must return this blessed life the Lord gave unto you?”
The fire in Halim’s abode flickered and long shadows crept up the walls. An ephemeral audience gathered and seemed eager to eavesdrop. One of these spirits carried a strength and radiance far exceeding anything I ever felt before. Not even in the presence of Pope Clement III was the might of God so prominent. I saw Hann and Halim both open their mouths in awe, as if the Lord Himself manifested above my head. A weight lifted off my shoulders and a renewed vigour surged through my body. I felt younger than I had in many years. My muscles pulsed with power and a brilliant white light filled the room. Not a blinding light, but one which carried hope and wisdom. I closed my eyes with a smile and allowed the Lord and His servants to instil a renewed purpose deep inside.
“Oh Allah, I am unworthy to be in your presence,” Halim said and dropped to all fours in a deep reverence.
“Holy Father, I am blessed to be here. Forgive me for looking upon you and forgetting to despair. I have wanted for nothing more all my life,” Hann gasped.
“My road, Father Hann, leads me to a paradise long overdue. I began to dream of my coming end not four years ago. When the King came to my door, there was no question as to my answer. I am thankful for those who have come so far and still wish to do so. My oath guides me forward, and tells me all men, no matter their background, have purpose in this world. Sir Guarin gave me a proper life, and I cannot repay him except by enacting the Lord’s will. I must return this life, for I have nothing further to gain.
“We endured pain and loss on our way here. We left our lives behind, no matter how complete. You asked me why I have come on this journey, Father, and I danced around your question for too long. I have come to finish what was set in motion many long years ago. The cycle must continue. I made a promise to Sir Guarin and the Lord. My oath dictates I must, when the time calls, return to the land where He bestowed me with wisdom and guidance, and return what is His. In doing so, I pass my knowledge and my purity unto another. I ennoble another, so they may bring about change,” I said.
“Such a task is not one to undertake without adequate thought, my friend. I know I cannot ask of you who you choose, but I must know if you have put thought into what may lay ahead.,” Halim asked.
I sighed and lowered my head. Under the watchful eye of the Lord, I was finding it hard to reach a clear decision. There were appropriate choices for me to bestow a knighthood upon, but I also knew it was probable none amongst us would ever leave the Holy Land alive. I knew I had to decide. I was a man of honour, and a knight would always seek to uphold his oath. No matter the cost. I opened my mouth to reply to Halim, but Hann beat me to the punch.
“It matters not the decision, for the Lord looks upon you with a reverence few men achieve. Please, Milord, let us pray in this moment. I fear we will never have another chance such as this,” Hann said.
“What is there to pray about?” I asked.
“Not all prayers need a subject. I start all my sermons with a silent prayer, as an affirmation of my devotion. Back home, sometimes I stood before an audience of none, but we would still pray. The spirits of those no longer with us are in our hearts. The Lord, He is here with us, in this moment. He seldom reveals Himself. Let us pray for His safe return to the heavens. Let us pray for the blood which follows us and let us pray for glory. This is the one time I do not ask, but order you to bow your head, Milord. You serve by His grace. Affirm your devotion through prayer,” Hann said.
I nodded and sat upright. I closed my eyes, and a deep, cold breath filled my chest. The slow, rhythmic thumping of my heart picked up and reverberated through my torso. Hot blood rushed to my extremities. A weight lifted from my shoulders, and I felt myself begin to float above the ground. A gentle breeze blew across my face. I smiled.
“With all said and done, in the final moments we live on this Earth, we see something magical. A great fog lifts around us. At the ending of the world as we know it, a grey mist lifts and all turns to silver. A brilliant light shines through the grimness. You feel it on your feet, and as it rises across your body, you come to see it,” an angelic voice crooned. “You see the shores of Heaven. Pure and white, glistening as pearls in the deep waters. And you see beyond. You see paradise. Eternal gratification. A magic unsurpassed and indescribable. Finish what you have started, Crusader. Paradise is waiting.”
My heartbeat pulled me back into reality. My breathing returned to normal through long, drawn-out heaves. I felt the hair on my neck stop standing on end. Beads of sweat evaporated off my forehead. The heat from Halim’s fire licked against my skin, but never threatened to burn me. My eyes were the last part to regain sensation. I opened my eyelids as I exhaled. Halim and Hann lowered their heads. I felt a strong presence depart the room with the last of my breath.
“I have no words,” I said.
“Then say no more, my friend. Do what righteous men do and hold your tongue. What we see in our prayers we share with none other,” Halim said.
“Keep the vision in your mind,” Hann said. “We experienced what the Lord wished us to experience. We have a long way left to go, Milord. I believe, and I am sure you would agree, we must rest now.”
As was now normal, Hann spoke naught but truth. There was one thing I had to do before sleep. I excused myself and stepped outside. The coolness of the night was starting to set in. Torches flickered in the streets of Constantinople, but my head turned skyward. I traced the lines of the stars, spotting a few constellations I could remember, and my eyes tracked to the south-east. One star stood out above all others in the heavens, and it was a mere fraction over the visible horizon.
This single star shone with the brightness of a million torches. Four peaks protruded from the central circle. A tear fell down my cheek and my worries evaporated away. Gentle music from somewhere in the market sang out and filled my ears with wondrous tunes. A light crunch beside me signalled the arrival of another. I did not need to look away from the horizon.
“Merry Christmas, Milord,” Noll said.
Fenrir's Lair 
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