There are few people in this world who are aware of the fact I have lived the majority of my adult life with chronic pain. This stemmed from a problem which took almost 8 years to formally diagnose, and for transparency, I’ll give you a full rundown of the issue I was dealing with and why I feel it is important for people to understand chronic pain and being differently abled are not exclusive to older people or people born with legitimate problems.
Onset of Pain
My story starts in mid 2014, when I was not even 20 years old. I considered myself a healthy individual. Sure, I didn’t attend a gym with any frequency, but I walked somewhere between 8-10km (13-16 miles) up to four times per week in order to attend University. I did this because I did not get a driver’s licence until 2018, largely for monetary reasons.
Everything seemed normal, but it transpired one day as I was approaching my destination, a sudden and sharp pain rocketed through my left hip, close to the groin region. I had never experienced such pain before, but I cannot say it was above typical pain. On this occasion, I dismissed it as merely overworking myself, and sure enough, the pain didn’t return. Not at first.
A few months later, the second jolt of pain occurred, only this time I was not walking, nor was I out of the house. I was at home, relaxing behind my computer. The same pain shot through the same region. Again, I was dismissive. Perhaps I had been sitting down too long, as during this period I spent a lot of my downtime playing videos game with friends, and so was not terribly active on those days.
These occurrences of pain came and went with relative frequency. Once every few months, to start. I continued my regular activity by adamantly walking to and from my studies, often carrying a heavy bag on my back. Again, the pain returned every so often, but there was no real trigger for me. I could be walking, and a sudden shot of pain would occur. I could be sitting, and there was the pain. I could move my leg too quick, and there would be the pain.
I didn’t think it was anything serious. So much so, I never went to a doctor during this initial period. I wish I had listened to my gut instinct and gotten it checked out now, rather than later.
The Symptoms Worsen
I lived with this recurrent pain for a little over two years without much issue. Towards the tail end of 2016 was when I noticed things degrading. The frequency of this pain increased, and I was now experiencing it at least once per month. Still, this raised no red flags, as I was still walking and moving around with relative ease. I had by this point developed a slight limp in my left leg, likely due to the niggling pain and as compensation for whatever was going on.
But beyond the frequency increasing, what became more of a concern to me was the slow increase in the pain I was experiencing. The type of pain was difficult to explain, but in hindsight, think of it as a dull ache. If you want to know what the pain felt like, take your thumb and place it at the top of your thigh where it bends at the hip. Press with about half your strength and hold down. This was the pain I experienced each flare-up.
Not only did the frequency and pain level increase, but also the length of time I was in pain for increased. Initially the pain started as maybe two seconds, but by the time I was experiencing the pain on a regular, monthly basis, each flare lasted no less than ten seconds. I did see a doctor at this stage, but to my dismay, they didn’t order any tests or further explore, putting it down to overuse.
I believed the doctors at this stage. I didn’t know better, and I had no known family history of pain in the hips of this scale. So, I continued with life, walking frequently and monitoring pain levels.
By this stage, had I known I was in chronic, recurrent pain, I would have been more aggressive with the doctors to find out what was wrong.
Degradation of Quality of Life
2018 was the turning point for my pain. Not only had the pain started cropping up on a weekly basis, but my limp had started to worsen. It was now evident when I was in pain, but no one dared to say anything. I am unsure as to their reasons, but perhaps I wish they had said something. Perhaps I could’ve made improvements earlier.
It was also at this point where I started walking less and less. I had, by now, thought the pain was coming from my exertion of walking. I pared back on my physical activity, but I also decided to supplement what was going on by starting to attend the gym on a semi-regular basis. This helped alleviate the intensity and duration of the pain, and I now know this is due to strengthening the muscles around my hips.
It was also at this point where the pain started to infrequently affect my right side hip. This was my first major red flag. Perhaps there was something wrong indeed. Again, doctors provided no solutions, though they did undergo an X-Ray this time. Unfortunately nothing out of the ordinary was found, and we left it at that.
I got my driver’s licence in 2018, and this opened up the ability for me to be mobile outside of walking, and this also contributed to lessening my pain, which made me more joyful, right up until…
2019 was the year everything changed.
Despite being physically active, my pain frequency intensified. It was the first year the worst of the pain started. Earlier I mentioned pressing your thumb into the bend of your thigh at half strength. Now press with all your strength. This was the regular pain. What made the pain exceptionally bad now was, with a monthly frequency, a sharp, stabbing pain accompanied this dull ache. I liken this to taking a sharpened pencil, and stabbing it into the same space your thumb presses down.
The pain was now also affecting my sleep a small amount. I am a belly sleeper, without any doubt. However, I now found myself struggling to lie with straightened legs, and so had to adopt what I affectionately call the “4.” Essentially, my left knee goes out to the side and my lower body makes the shape of the number four.
This provided great relief, and it is still the posture I sleep in today, despite later events which I will detail.
Of course, I did see doctors yet again, as the pain was now in both sides. More X-rays were done, and still nothing was found. An ultrasound also discovered nothing. The entire scenario was baffling to both me and the doctors. I also started taking pain medication on an irregular basis. This provided temporary relief, and was enough to satisfy my needs.
I stopped attending a gym sometime in the tail end of 2019, as monetarily, I couldn’t justify it. I wish I hadn’t done such a ridiculous thing.
The Great Shutdown
I don’t need to reiterate what we know happened in 2020. What is important is how my pain had, by now, started appearing every other day in my left side, and every week in my right side. The degrees of pain were majorly different, as my left was enough to cause me to limp with daily frequency. I tried to combat it, but nothing would work. The pain grew to an intensity of around 7 on the pain scale. I know this is a subjective scale, but for me it was one of the highest levels of pain I had experienced.
More tests came, this time I got a CT of my left hip. This, despite hopeful prospects, discovered nothing and this dismayed both myself and my doctor. It was now over six years of this pain becoming worse. Would I ever find answers?
The one thing I did find was regular employment. This was a double edged sword. The pain in my left hip went to the backburner, but consequently, I somehow managed to damage the peroneal tendon in my left ankle. I put this down to my lower leg reworking how my weight was loaded. I had also returned to the gym at this point, after finding out my weight during the shutdown period had ballooned to 110kg (242lbs)
By the end of 2020, I had dropped to 94kg (207lbs) though I continued to work through the pain. I had not yet thought of seeing physical therapy to fix the pain, as I was confident I could manage it.
Things did start to look up.
At Long Last, a Diagnosis
It was in 2021 when my life turned around for the better. In the middle of the year, I met and started a relationship with my now fiancée. Of course, my pain was also now starting to occur multiple times per day, particularly on my left side. The joy of finding a kindred soul did distract me for a time, but I was more determined to find what was wrong. After long months of saving and discussion with my doctor, I decided to bite the bullet and get an MRI performed.
And it happened. After 7+ years, and forking out $500, a week after my MRI, results came back to me and my doctor. Vindication. A diagnosis came for both hips. From lifting weights, I had gluteal and hamstring tendinopathy, but this was not out of the ordinary for one who was a weightlifter. No. The true diagnosis came with the confirmation of labral tearing caused by a CAM deformity on the head of the hip.
This was relieving, but also scary. My doctor explained the labrum surrounds the connection points of our joints. With enough damage, it is entirely possible for the hip to pop out of it’s socket if I were to move wrong. Disconcerting for one like myself. As such, I made the decision to put my weightlifting on pause, as I was referred for surgical consultation.
This initial consultation was denied, but I had already been taking steps in terms of attending physiotherapy. It was the physio who was recommending surgery to ensure it would be fixed, and by the end of 2021, both doctor and physio managed to get a referral to an orthopedic specialist which was not denied.
I hoped it was only a matter of time.
Surgical Consultation
2022 saw me obtain further employment – I decided it was best to be doing something, rather than sitting and twiddling my thumbs. In this period, I went from working at a retail pet store which involved plenty of walking and lifting pet items, to working as a delivery driver for a local roofing supplier. My pain was a daily struggle, and was further affecting my sleep. I couldn’t work too many days in a row, as my pain intensified through use.
I took up powerlifting in this year, and found great success. The more I lifted, the better I felt, but there was still the niggling pain and worry something would happen – such a hip popping of its socket. This never happened, which I am still thankful for.
It was November when I saw the surgeon. November 1, to be exact. Within 20 minutes, he determined that, due to the long-term nature and constant pain, it would be beneficial for me to undergo the surgery to fix the problem. Another case of vindication.
I was put on the Category 2 waitlist, which is supposed to be within three months. I put up with the pain as it seemed to subside knowing something would be done in the near future. Then the unthinkable happened.
Up in Smoke
In December of 2022, I received a letter from the surgical office saying the surgical theatres at the ONLY hospital in my area to have the equipment required for my surgery had caught fire. It wasn’t the theatre I was scheduled to be in, but due to the smoke damage, the entire theatre had to be shut down for renovation and repair. This was the worst thing to have happened to me.
Over the first two months of 2023, my pain intensified over and over, right up until I had to quit work and working out yet again due to pain, because of one small problem.
PAIN LEVEL 10.
I was walking around the house when I made a step whilst merely moving between rooms, and my left leg gave up. I fell to the ground, in tears, because my leg simply gave up due to pain. I have never experienced something so intense before, even though it lasted no more than TWO SECONDS. Two seconds was all it took for my life to change.
But I couldn’t just lay down and do nothing. I was depressed at points, but I still had work to do. My mother at this point underwent a total hip replacement, and I took what was essentially full time care of her, despite my own pain. Unemployment was unsustainable, as was my lack of activity.
And so, by August of 2023, I was not only working in a new role, but I was back at the gym, doing everything I could to lessen the pain. And this worked. I had also started training in professional wrestling by this stage too, and what I was doing was enough to distract me from the pain.
Life was going well.
The Call-Up
It was before my 29th birthday when I got the phone call I was desiring. I had been booked in for surgery at the end of the year. Finally, things were going to get better. My mood improved and I worked out with greater intensity. I wanted to push myself to be the best I could prior to my surgery.
But I pushed myself a bit too hard, and a month before surgery, I had to stop lifting weights for the fourth time in three years. I was doing single leg presses, and a sharp pain rocked my left hip. I discovered my strength discrepancy was such I had lost 25% of the strength in my left leg.
I did not let this get me down, and I continued to work out and attend wrestling training right up the week of my surgery.
Vindication
December 8th, 2023 will always be a day etched in my memory. I went into the hospital in the morning, and by midday, I had undergone the life-altering surgery I so desperately needed. As is normal post-surgery, I was still experiencing pain for the next six weeks, but I could live with this. I walked with crutches for the first month post-surgery, and, despite limitations, I had to return to work within a week of my surgery.
I attended physiotherapy to receive my post surgical exercises and religiously worked on these. It was hard not seeing my fiancée for a few weeks post surgery, but on December 23, we attended a live performance of A Christmas Carol. It was prior to this performance I proposed to her. Not the most ideal proposal, as I was still on crutches, but I do not regret it.
By January, I was back to relative normalcy. I was returning to normal work duties and I was off crutches. I was also testing the waters with regards to my wrestling, and was preparing to return to the gym.
At least, that was my goal.
Setback
It was a normal day at work, not even an hour into my shift on January 29 when the absolute WORST thing to occur, occurred. I tripped over a pallet of drinks at work, despite having seen them, and this jarred my right side, and overstretched my left hip. The pain peaked at a 9 in an instant, and I was unable to continue on this day, and it hurt inside. I had made so much progress, and what if all of it has gone up in smoke?
I went to the doctor the following day, and was placed back on crutches and told to stay home from work to recover. I saw the physiotherapist the day after and was told it might be worth getting re-examined by the surgeon. Ironically, I had seen the surgeon 7 days prior to seeing the physiotherapist, and he was more than happy with my progress.
By the middle of the first week of February, I was on Workers’ Compensation. They organised an MRI for me, and I received funding for doctor and physiotherapist visits. The MRI found no further damage, for which I was thankful. The physiotherapist I now saw (who was the one who helped me with my peroneal tendon) helped me get back on track and helped me rebuild my confidence and ability to move again.
I started working on balance and restrengthening my hip muscles. I slowly returned to the gym, but also made the tough decision to pull out of my wrestling training. I was not in the right mental state, and my passion for the sport, though still strong, wasn’t right. I was more focused on returning to powerlifting.
Current Status
It is now almost five months post surgery, and I have never felt better in my life. Perhaps the greatest moment post-surgery not relating to my fiancée was the first day I went to do a full leg day at the gym. It was this day, I ended up sitting in the car crying for a good five minutes afterward. These were not tears of pain. This was pure joy.
For the first time in ten years, I was able to move and perform activity without ANY pain torturing me. Quite a difference to pre-surgery where I was in constant pain. Now, I find myself pushing my limits once more. I have always been the type of human who wanted to push the boundaries of what it meant to be human in terms of strength. In five months post surgery, with an estimated full recovery of 12-18 months, I am back to lifting 85% of my pre-surgery weight in the gym. All with minimal pain, because I still do not have full motion back.
I am happier than I have ever been, and I could not be more thankful for the care I received to fix the issue with my body.
Chronic Pain and Disability
Having lived with such pain for so long, I have some degree of authority to note how discriminatory and dismissive most of the world is towards people who look outwardly healthy. Yes, I was ambulating on two legs with a sound mind, but more often than not by the time of my surgery, I was in constant agony. I was fearing another major flare up. My quality of life was dependent on managing my pain through various outlets and distractions.
I told very few people how much pain I was in, and those who knew could see the signs. Even post surgery, during recovery, the fake sympathy was the worst part. People pretending to understand the level of pain I was in and not wanting to see me in pain. These are the same people who saw me work day in and day out with indescribable pain and said nothing. I was relying on some powerful pain medication management at points, and not one person outside of my personal circle could reason how bad it was.
The ultimate takeaway for people is if someone says they are in pain or are differently abled, don’t question them. The person who knows their body and their pain the best is the person who is experiencing the pain as it affects their own body. We are our own experts. Listen to what your body says. Get pains and aches checked out. Look after yourself mentally, because it is okay to not be okay.
Don’t be like Fenrir. Don’t be stubborn when it comes to your body. After all, we only have the one body.
Fenrir's Lair 